INSPIRED WANDER

My dearest Mom, it has been seven years since you became an angel, but you were always an angel to me. Sometimes it is still so hard to believe that you are gone. Anytime that I have something to share – a hope or fear, have had a bad day, or just need to be understood without words, I think of you first. I have come to accept that life after you lose one of the most important people in your world will never be the same, how could it? It is our responsibility to continue to move forward in the direction of our dreams, to honor their lives by becoming the very best version of ourselves. To savor precious time with family and friends, a beautiful sunset or warm breeze, a delicious bite or sip, a sunset or early morning mist. Moments that they also loved…and passed by all too soon.

The last year has been another period of transition, growth and searching, a continuation of the reorganization of priorities that I began as a result of the insight gained about how finite life is during Mom’s battle with cancer. I felt that I was out of balance again, focusing the vast majority of my time and energy on work, totally oblivious to the magic and wonder of this world, and the unlimited potential of it. So, I quietly walked away from my well-paying, well-respected position and took myself on another pilgrimage of the heart. I spent several months in Paris and southern Spain, trying to reconnect with the source of my spark, creativity, and inner peace. Mom, I felt you right there with me so many times. While walking through Paris I would often be surrounded by the scent of your perfume.

The next chapter is still a work in progress. I continue to struggle with not allowing myself to be totally consumed by work, to carve out time to reflect quietly in nature, exercise more, read more, cook more, devote bandwidth to establishing a small side business that will feed my creative interests…be more authentic. This journey to return to the roots of what makes me truly happy began seven years ago, as I pondered how to make sense of your passing and my world without you in it. As I mended the pieces of my broken heart and upturned life, I realized that the way I could make your passing mean something was to try to put the pieces back together better and stronger than before. To focus on the beauty and unlimited potential of the gift that is our life, a gift that you fought so hard to hold onto. I will always be so humbled and proud of how strong, graceful and beautiful you were during your journey into the light, just as you always were throughout life. If my light shines even a fraction as bright as yours beloved Mom, I know that everything will be alright.

I want to share the following piece of a lovely poem by Jessica Urlichs, called “When I Leave This Place”. It makes me think of the incredible love you have for your family Mom, and how much you wanted to stay with us. I know that you still find ways to be in our lives every day.

You'll see me in the flowers,
You'll hear me in the breeze,
I'll live on in your heart,
Close your eyes and you'll see me

I'll cuddle you in your shadows
If you need me, and you might.
I'll be the sunshine on your face
In the morning's dappled light.

For I only have but two great fears,
One's a world without you in it,
My second is leaving you far too soon
As my love for you is infinite.

I guess I'll never truly know  
When that one day might be  
But in case for ever doesn't come  
You mean everything to me.

Lovingly remembering you today, and everyday dear Mom. You are never further away than my heart.